Trash OUT

Have been having a lots of indescribable feelings recently, and mood change quite swiftly. Am used to be quite sensitive and accurate on my instinct, but recently, i just can't really tell whether they failed me or not. Lots of question just clotted my mind about why people react the way they react, about life issues, about human relationships, about career, about leadership, about the right way people should be treated, about my past, about the regrets and much much more.....a friend told me that I should try once in a while to let go myself, make myself go wild so that I don't think too much....but, I'm thinking, is that one day of 'trashing out' works for all the 'trash' that had been clotting my mind all these while?

leaving behind those memories....

It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but it takes forever to forget them....
the more I wanted to forget, the more i remember. A friend asked, if given a chance, would you like to go back to your 19yrs old? Sweet 19, everyone has it, and me too. In my deep heart, of course, I wish to turn back. But knowing the fact that, it's impossible impossible. Regret is already useless at this point. I know so clearly that I NEED TO MOVE ON. I need to move forward, but past memories just kept gushing back bits by bits that had made my days so doomed.....Can someone just tell me how I can stop those memories from overcasting me? How can I leave behind all these and move on.......???

最想念的人

发现一篇对于我现时的心情蛮贴切的文章。。改编了少少。。。


以前爱过一个人 开心痴醉过
*但
因为时间..距离结果没有在一起 [或许爱情已消失了吧…………]
*但-感觉不会假*
有时会勾起回忆然后又一阵无奈

想念是种无情的痛
失去的酸楚无法形容
回忆是种放逐的梦
你依然教我承受情哀
你看不见我的心在痛
含泪在眼中多承重
你看得见我真的为爱感动
心不真爱不深心怎会痛
我是真的为你而付出

离开你的日子 我无疑有些难过
一直无法释怀 我对你的冷淡
对不起我不曾给你一个理由
只希望你快乐你幸福就足够

爱情太短促
曾经拥有后就是刻骨铭心
我不是不能忘不忘旧时的累积
也不分是脑是愁是悔在心头
在思潮起伏间它们包围着缠绕着
把所有快乐拦挡在这伤心的夜里

为什么想要的承诺
只能被微笑掠过
为什么想要的幸福
总是离我好远好远

承诺往往容易说出口
但实践太难…而我遵守对你的承诺
*等待* - *盼望*-
结果不是我想要……
我终于了解用情太深会无助
悄悄的孤独 不给你打扰的束缚


忘记你没法与记忆疏离
不是想逃离只怕承重的爱我负担不起
十年了…
告诉自己别再回首 哭泣的脸庞不应为你而落泪
别哭 我试着让自己残酷
让爱笑着结束
别再让我放不下一颗爱你的心

心里还再想着你吗?
错过的就不能再重头
这世界纷纷渺渺来去匆匆
曾经拥有真的已经足够吗
感谢能让我有爱上你的幸运
遗憾的是缘分太快消失………我很想念你
I’ll Remember To Love

[给我最想念的你]-

CNY = A time to remember the childhood sweet memories

CNY had always been the time when most of the frens gather from all around the world, the time when everyone is free and hangs out together, just for a chat. This year CNY is indeed an unpredictable one where we got a chance to get in touch with the next class childhood frens - 6K. Had been hanging out with some old frens (or should i say 'new' frens as I barely had any memories of them - what is in my mind is only their faces and some names) for these past two days. It's indeed interesting to meet someone new yet it seems like you should be knowing them for ages.Well, all I can say this is a short but satisfying meetup....

subconsciously depressed...

had the weirdest dream yesterday and believe it or not i cried not in my dream, but while i'm sleeping....everything is so true....and i can only say i'm subconsciously depressed. There's no other reason to explain this....

hate this feeling....

i hate the time whenever this feelings come back...
being sentimental and starting to think whether did I make the wrong decision...
what had happened to me...
i asked my inner self ... am I regret? No. I don't think so...
but why ? why do I keep having this kind of feeling....why?
maybe it's just not the right time yet...maybe....maybe....
i just need to be patient....patience and more patience....

Bye bye 2007 ....

Almost time to say good bye to 2007. Looking back at the resolution that I had set this year (of course in my mind....hehe) I done mostly all of them, a happy thing to say. Finished paying up my lappie and got myself the apple care, just that haven't got the skin for my keyboard yet, learnt swimming the first step to diving, got my first DSLR in my life - D80, and most of all travelled to Siem Reap and see the magnificent Angkor Wat which is also the 2nd World Wonders that I have keep logged into my traveller's log - the 1st one is The Great Wall.....
hmm...now let's think what's my 2008 resolution? time to put down all the past and move forward, really move forward this time...Firstly, planning for a UK holiday working visa trip next year and hopefully it will be as fruitful as it could be as to write a memorable chapter into my life. Next what, maybe to find more activities partner? to hone my skills of photography? to start diving? to find the someone? haaa...maybe I'm too greedy to have all the best thing happen in 2008. All in all, hopefully all of us have a wonderful and fruitful 2008 to come....

Way Back Into Love ..

Love this song and rhythm very much, the lyrics is meaningful too which speaks my inner voice for the moment....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce_DxJFdgM4
I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need ‘em again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

Tracking Back.....

a mockup traffic jam scene




tracking back the past on what's happening to my life since august....work, bad experience, work, birthday at work, making impossible possible. Right after I have a long shoot since Aug, I got myself into 3 jobs since then. 1st one out of the company that I used to be for the past year, a job for the biggest gas supplier in Malaysia, Petronas. It's a commercial about their various services. Not a good experience for me for the 1st time - 1st time working without a 3rd party cost, 1st time shooting rain scene with rain truck, 1st time running 5 petrol station within 3 days. Things changes last minute and leaving no room for reaction. As a perfectionist all the time, I'm starting to gave up and trying to let go gradually. Starting to ask myself to take it easy and follow the flow, anyhow it's just another job. However, got a chance to see BMW 5 series and also VW beatles car....unfortunately haven't got a chance to ride on the VW.





KL Skyline from Empire Tower



Next one is a tourism job and chicken essence...both from the same company which drags for a month and a half. Same thing, still prefer on the system that I used to be with. Finding it hard to familiarize myself with the no system system. Praying everyday wishing days past faster so that it won't torture me for so long. And finally it's over.....In between of this, had been having a sad birthday, with no one beside me celebrating for me for the 1st time after all these years. Luckily I had to prepare for the pre-pro meeting and got my time occupied. Anyhow, after I finished these 2 tiring jobs, I treated myself with my 'dream' camera - Nikon D80. Joined a photography club too to learn and explore more on photography, hopefully to get my skills brush up with it....

those were the days....

...when there's a shoulder for me to cry on...
...when there's someone to talk to when I'm bored...
...when there's someone to turn to when I'm in trouble...
...when there's someone to tell me where to go whenever I'm lost.....
....when there's someone to scold at me when I'm wrong.....
....when there's someone to pacify me when I'm sad....
....when there's someone to calm me down when I'm angry....
....those were the days......

R.I.P.

Worst thing that had gotten on me....

been superb busy since last shoot on end june. First with an ogawa shoot, prepping only for 6 days then shoot. I was asked to produce this super rush job with 2 boards while still waiting for the confirmation of maybank to get going. Good thing is once I agreed to take on the job, the maybank job got confirmed and the bad thing is I have to split myself into 2. Back to the ogawa shoot, the whole day we are shooting in toilet, lift and staircase (didn't manage to capture the toilet scene sorry)......a long long shoot until 5am. Luckily the director is someone who's easy to work with that make the whole shoot run quite smoothly.

Next was the big big "M" shoot where we have 80 talents to coordinate, tens of locations to round around and 200 shot to cover, all within 8 days. A super crazy shoot where the crews got only 5-6 hours of sleep a day. As for production side, 2 weeks before the shoot we got to stay up late to coordinate the talents and locations. The talents are really 'superstar' like biscuit, 'now you see now you don't'. They can tell you they can do it in a second, and in the next minute they will say they can't do it already. So we have to do all over again whenever there is changes as we need to do some mix matching. This "M" shoot really got lots of problem,camera problem, generator problems, talents didn't show up... maybe because of the bad luck that had been following that drag down the whole team. Sorry guys, my bad.


That's not the worst thing yet. Right after the 9th day shoot, I ran into an accident on my way back home, because of fallen asleep while driving. And best thing is I knock onto a 'new car' Nissan Latio when the car is only out for a month....Gosh !!!......Will that be the last bad luck that I will be getting?? Hopefully that's the one......I do not want any worst anymore....give me a break will U....

Another loooong shoot....

Setting up of 70s era
Setting up for 80s era 'gift shop'
Voila 'gift shop' done
Blocking the roads in K.Selangor
Break during the shoot capturing the shoplots hallway and the shadow of the trees
Just breaking the record of staying awake for 50 hours within 2 and a half day with only 2 hours break of sleep in between. The mind can't really think of anyhting else when it came to the 26th hour. A freaking stressful job with the talents only confirmed 4 hours before the wardrobe fit. What else can you do when you have some 'fickle' minded people in the team. And the rest of the team have to do double work just because of that. The first shoot that I feel so boring even before the shoot even start. A shoot that we came to a stage that we are begging people to get the work done, just because of the strict budget that do not tally... Though shooting in Kuala Selangor, but doesn't have a chance to have a taste of the seafood there as we have to rush for 2nd locatioin after that.

In other hand, Sigh.......thought that i can have a chance to change my path with a 'chance' which appear to me 2 weeks ago. However, things are never smooth for me. Unforseen changes and make everything back to square one again. I still have to be 'patient'.Hopefully it will be like the sayings, 'blessing in disguise?' hope so......

'M' Shoot

A shoot that had been dragging for a week just to wait for the pack to be ready. And hence, there I was doing nothing for the whole week on the job. Luckily there was another 'dreadful' job, a dinner video for a business club which potray the 50 years economy of Malaysia. Within a week had been goign through old newspaper looking for articles. Back to the M shoot, a dreadful experience with the people working in it. Sigh......when can i stop from having this kind of conflict with myself whether to continue this for the sake of money or should i just leave for the sake of satisfaction......

feelings....

had been listening to songs from a fren's brother which let me think a lot of my past...following on the lyrics with the songs made me tears when i thought of the past esepcially some of the lyrics potray what had been happening in my past....

听说你喜欢我 － 张禛宏

Hey... 外面正下著小雨
请。。请让我为你遮雨
夜。。夜灯下慢慢地步行
回。。陪伴着你回到家去
手放在肩膀 这感觉好温暖
忽然凝视我 没想到你会问我。。。
听说。。听说你喜欢我
真相听你亲口说
不要猜 不要等 不要困惑
希望你现在告诉我
不回答那我就当你默认
我只要你对我忠诚
如果这不是谣言
那请你现在拥抱我
请说一声你喜欢我
我一直都藏在脑里
不。。不就是闷在心里
遗憾不只为什么没勇气
对你说一声我喜欢你
捉着你的手 身体来近一点
嘴靠在耳边 鼓起勇气说一篇。。
你说一点也没错 不知你是如何想我
不要迟 不要等 不要犹豫
希望你现在告诉我
＊不管是晴天或是雨天
你给我的勇气是无限
让我们一起走这路程
让我陪伴在你身边
请说一声你喜欢我
听说。。听说你喜欢我
真想听你亲口说
不要猜 不要等 不要困惑
希望你现在告诉我（＊）

Out from my tortoise shell....

2 years of not sitting down together for a meal. I was kinda forced to sit down this time after a few times of invitation. Met up with my ex for a lunch today. In fact, I told a fren that I really did not wish to have this moment at all as I had been feeling guilty all these while and had been avoiding him since then. Another reason for avoiding is I can forsee I will not have any more topic of conversation with him if we met. I involved another couple which had also known my ex since uni time. Didn't have much conversation with him, instead it's my couple fren who did all the talking with him. He hasn't change much, and I'm glad that i climb out of the tortoise shell this time. After this, I'm more certain that I hadn't made the wrong decision, I'm more certain that I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him.
Heard a shocking news two days ago. Someone I consider as a good superior and a good husband with happy family told me he just divorced. This is a real shock as
I always thought that he's having a happy life with good wife and kids and he had been working hard all day. Keep me thinking that what's wrong with this field. Does that mean that people in this field doesn't deserve a good family life? Why is all the colleague around me are leading to a divorce life. Seems like I'm force to make a choice on whether to lead a happy family or a career lonely life......

Muchaus Restaurant (Jalan Jati, Bkt Bintang)

Give mom a treat in a German Restaurant to celebrate Mother's Day and also her birthday on the coming Tuesday. Took me some time to find the restaurant as it's hidden among the bungalos opposite RHB Securities. A friend recommend this place to me as she finds the food are good and price are reasonable. Hence, go there to try my luck and to 'test' the food. The restaurant are all glassed up with curtain of lights at the entrance. When we stepped in, the feeling of the interior is so home like with nice deisgn of furniture and interior.
Mom ordered a set dinner with garlic prawn as starter, roast beef as main course and youghurt panacotta as dessert, while I ordered myself a stuffed cheese chicken.


After the main course, the waiter served us the dessert, but they served the wrong one, green tea tiramisu instead. Only realized it after I have a munch, and it's so soft and smooth. Hence, din bother to tell them they served wrongly. However to our surprise, after we finished the tiramisu, they served us another dessert, which is suppose to be the right one. According to the waiter, they realized they served wrongly, but they wanted us to try the yoghurt panacotta as it was recommended by them earlier. Hence we got a free dessert for that mistake....how lucky....and yes! the youghurt panacotta is super delicious. Youghurt is mixed with gelatin and eating it is like eating 'agar-agar' and combined with choclate brownies. Will visit it again to try on other main course ...

待飞－－Dandelion 蒲公英

Dandelion, to me is a miracle plant. The flower matures into a dandelion clock and waiting for the right time to be carried away by the wind, and flown to the destination of wherever it wish. Looking at our life philosophies, I always believe we have to equip ourselves with knowledge, skills, to mature ourselves, and wait for the right time to 'fly'. I always asked myself, am I ready to be flown? Am I equipped with every skill that is needed. And this is what had bring me to have the interest to learn everything under the sun. I wish to know more about IT, that's why I have my unfinished master. I wish to know more about photography, and I'm yearning for a DSLR. I wish to discover the miracle of the underwater world, that's why I took up swimming as a first step. I wish to know in depth of the film industry, tv industry....but this had lead to another problem. Every area I had touch is just bits and pieces, and I never had a specialized area to specialize on. That's also the reason why I chose to stay longer in commercial industry, rather than venturing into another scope of area which may generate more stable income. I do not know whether I'm right to make this decision. I just hope that 'my wind' will come, maybe I should just give it some time to reach .....
What do I want for my life? Frankly, I'm having a vague idea, what's it.....How I wish I have someone to tell me.....

Yooo hoooooo....

Finally, after 28 years of 'playing' in the water, I finally can swim across the pool without any aids......And this happen only on my 2nd swimming lesson...Although at times, my hands and legs are not listening to my mind, I still manage to hold my breath and change my breath to reach till the pool side to grab hold of something. Besides, through today lesson, I learnt something, it's not anything new but had made me have a clearer view of a 'life' lesson.
While swimming across the pool in the water just now, at times, when my hands and legs are not listening and I am out of breath, I tends to sink. But with my goggles on, I can see clearly what's beneath me (an endless deep ground) which creates more fear. In that nick of time, i have to force myself to calm down and hold my breath just to float, to survive and start over again on the coordination to gain the force again to keep me going forward. This enforce my thinking on the philosophy of life, struggling in fear/ panic is no good to take you forward.
Calm down, Think then Act, then only you can keep yourself forward to the end......Only you can save yourself.....only I can save myself.......now i need to learn how to breath smoothly, so that I don't feel exhausted so easily.....good luck to me....

一苦二甜三回味

三道茶寓寄着“一苦二甜三回味”的人生哲理... excerpt from the articles of a fren's fren blog. Found it very true, maybe I should just wait as to my 'dilemma' before.....